If you've been paying attention
You'll know the world's going in a bad direction
Boneheaded books about positive psychology
Are just about the only growth industry

Some say the world will be a better place
If you just learn to smile more and look happy
If you're like me
This'll make you feel
Not so much annoyed as violently stabby

Still I believe
I believe
I believe

They say that if you vibrate with the universe at the correct frequency
Then every problem is an opportunity

From breakups to bereavements to testicular cancer to losing all your money
In a slippery get rich quick scheme

I believe
Believe
I believe

They say that if you're more of a glass half full type
You'll find a trophy wife
Who believes all the same tripe

And if you're more of a romantic optimist
You'll score a wealthy husband who shows you off like a Rolex with tits

If you just identify the right synergy
You'll succeed
In finding the right get rich scheme

And you'll be a captain of industry
With so much money
Because you've been ethically slippery

Believe
Believe
Believe

All the flirts that you didn't quite score
Will come back and give you one chance more
Your dreams of romance will all come to pass
Because thankfully you're an unimaginative ass
The charlatans who claim to know all the answers
Will get diagnosed with testicular cancer
And it turns out that the actual cure
Is to not spout optimistic bollocks anymore

I believe
I believe
And that's why they won't publish a self-help book by me