I can be endlessly kind and infinitely true Writing down the things I love about you I can kiss you like you've never been kissed And help you tick off everything on your sexual bucket list I can shovel attention you like coal onto a hearth And frame a picture of us shaped like a heart Massage your feet when you've had a bad day And get on my knees for all the chores that you hate But all we've really done so far is flirt There's one thing you don't know about me I'm really really bad Really really bad Really really really really bad At talking dirty I'll be like I'm gonna tear your tights off with my teeth My teeth are strong 'cause I use Oral B you see I recommend you start using the same products as me It'll greatly improve your dental hygiene And I'm gonna make our nights of passion last long By lecturing you for hours 'bout why Radiohead are great And I know just how to drive you wild with my tongue By asking you whether you've put on weight I wanna spend each moment with you from dawn till dark And every single day we'll go strolling in the park Hand-in-hand we'll sit on a bench and feed the pigeons And I'll tell you you have a face that could launch a religion We'll attempt everything from a doggy to a sixty-nine Until we've run out of sexual positions to try Then we'll try some really strange Really really strange Really really really really strange Roleplays How 'bout we go for the Texas Cowboy roleplay That's when I ride you like a rodeo horse I suddenly shout out your best friend's name Then try to hold on like a buckin' bronco And for you I'll try Really really try Really really really really try To talk dirty like a normal guy I'll be like I'm gonna make you awfully wet tonight And I'm not talking 'bout some water balloon fight We're gonna stand outside for hours in the rain Watching a non-professional football game Which is more exciting than the sex we've had anyway

The future ain't looking too bright Ignorant armies are fighting somewhere tonight And things aren't exactly looking so promising for you In some sweaty music venue Nowadays people love a song Especially a mediocre one 'bout loving a lover, missing a lover, or wanting to have a lover Or changing your lover for another Only a song Only a song Can empty your mind And empty your head And help you forget You're a bit of a pleb Most modern pop songs Most modern pop songs Are by and for total morons There's market value in a tune As bland as a dentist's waiting room Approved by teams of hard-nosed marketing experts For you the meek who won't inherit the Earth Only a song Only a song Can empty your mind For an entire night and help you forget Your grey little life No-one ever went broke No-one ever went broke Insulting the intelligence of the public Insulting the intelligence of the public Me fans are stupid pigs And the men probably have small dicks And certainly no taste in music And should piss off to some other gig

I'm drunk on romance tonight Out here just lost in your eyes Your pink petal lips and your luxury hair Like a female tall, dark, handsome millionaire The moon she is smiling tonight Bathing us like the streetlights Let's walk hand-in-hand and turn into the park We'll sit somewhere clean and count the stars The park bench is invitingly lit But a homeless guy's lying on it I say "my good friend, can you please move your feet? So my love and I can have ourselves a seat" He asks me if I have spare change I say I don't carry cash these days Then turns to you and he asks with a slur And I say "Hey, are you looking at my bird?" So I punch him square in the chin Then a steel toecap into his shin Then grab him by his thinning but greasy hair And smash his head into a post that's conveniently there He falls to the ground with a thud Wets his pants then coughs up blood I think "Oh my God, have I just killed someone?" And then look to you and realise you're gone It just goes to show that these days The dating pool's full of woke snowflakes All I wanted was to show you I had balls Don't blame me when you're next guy's a limp-wristed weasel The homeless guy then move his head It turns out he isn't quite dead He says "you know there will be CCTV footage. Give me one good reason why I shouldn't press charges." So the tramp asks me to suck him off To help him recover from the shock So I get to work on his pissy trouser snake And think "well, at least I'm not just another woke snowflake Just another woke snowflake Just another woke snowflake

Pop music used to be a young person's game The best of it would scare the old squares away If you wanted to be famous around the world You had to appeal to impressionable teenaged girls Songs like the one about the wet-ass P-word Are clearly aimed at older male perves Which makes sense 'cause they're the ones with money to spend And fantasise about getting girls on their bell-end Modern pop songs Say show me your thong And shake your butt and wiggle your hips And shake your butt and jiggle your tits And let strange men leer until You turn twenty-five and you're over the hill They're the kinds of songs that get the party started And corner the low-budget wedding market By hiding their creepiness and sexism Behind lots of totally unsubtle euphemisms Like feed the oyster and bring the whale to the coast Slime and banana and have a lust and thrust roast Park the meat bus in the fishy space Take a trip to pound town to open the lady garden gates And the lyrics will force you And the song will coerce you To shake your butt and wiggle your hips And shake your butt and jiggle your tits And blow some old guy a kiss Even though he looks like he smells like piss Oh my gosh look at her butt Oh my gosh look at her butt Don't want know short-dick man I'm too sexy, too sexy for Japan And shake your butt and wiggle your hips And shake your butt and jiggle your tits x4

George Michael once sang put your tiny hand in mine The song 'My Sharona' mentions the touch of the younger kind Neil Diamond's 'Girl You'll Be a Woman Soon' Is clearly about some bloke's attempt to groom In 'Tonight's the Night' Rod Stewart asks his virgin child To spread her wings and let her inhibitions run wild Ted Nugent and Motorhead both have songs called jailbait Rock 'n' roll Is a rapey old place I think we'd all prefer if they'd stop behaving like perves And shut up and sing Shut up and sing Stop acting like you're some kind of paedophile ring And shut up and sing The Spice Girls thought they were setting young girls free By jiggling their tits on national TV Bono thinks he knows how to buy the whole world lunch Pop stars are a delusional bunch Wouldn't it be ever so nice if they'd all just stop talking shite And shut up and sing Shut up and sing Leave the talking to people who know anything And shut up and sing The songs you admired the most when you were a kid All turned out to be sleazy, ignorant or bigoted 'Some Girls' by The Rolling Stones categorises groupies by race And UB40 is the musical equivalent of black face Eminem saw fit to perform with vomit on his sweater And the less said about Eric Clapton the better So shut up and sing Shut up and sing Take some advice from WB Yeats We have no gift to set a statesman straight But most of all please remember one thing The whole world's tired of songs about noncing So shut up and sing

Your silent face is telling me it's time to consciously uncouple Pretty soon you'll be dressing for dates and shaving your crotch to stubble From your lips I've tasted Heaven and Hell And I'm used to your textures and smells So let's be ethical breaker-uppers And have one last sexual supper A first date's like a job interview a last is like a leaving party With sex in all its unhygienic, embarrassing beauty Like how unhooking a bra Is a tiresome vibe-killer And don't get me started on How condoms affect hard-ons And the ridiculous flavours of condoms And when you ask "what's this one?" And I say, I haven't got one on And you say you thought it was cheese and onion Just like life sex is often full of toil and graft And just like life, sex is usually over much too fast Then sometimes the experience drags Like one of Sting's three-hour tantric shags And you can't help glancing at the clock The only solution is to rock I sense down below that you're probably starting to burn So I'll speed up the journey to the point of no return And since we're having a blast Why not let me spank your ass It'll assuage your guilt about being straight, white and middle-class One night I might get drunk and call and ask to come over Like some kind of involuntary celibate Casanova There's no denying we've had some bliss So here's to one more kiss It'll give me incentive to one day find the clitoris I think we've found desire always dies when it tries to be love So let's forget for now about the fighting and painful stuff We've raked over so much dirt And the breakup'll continue to hurt I'll try not to give you a facial as I squirt Thanks for that it fixed my heart like a temporary glue gun Who knows how long it'll be till either of us gets some This'll occupy pride of place in my memory banks Until the day God willing, I become a dirty old man What do you know, we've stayed awake and talked the whole night through God knows I'll keep stubbing my toes on memories of you I'm pleased to say it wasn't weird or shit or unnecessarily long In other words I'm saying, it wasn't like this song

If you've been paying attention You'll know the world's going in a bad direction Boneheaded books about positive psychology Are just about the only growth industry Some say the world will be a better place If you just learn to smile more and look happy If you're like me This'll make you feel Not so much annoyed as violently stabby Still I believe I believe I believe The inspirational quotes that are shoved down your throat by singers and mediocre authors Might not necessarily just be vacuous lies And the stains you see on public toilet walls are messages from aliens Saying it's gonna be alright Everywhere I see nauseatingly happy couples with pet names for each other Who think it's cute when their partner snores The kinds of people who encourage each other at the gym, play boardgames together And don't even need a lock for the bathroom door When they look at me they tilt their heads and frown And say not to worry. There's someone out there for me And I believe that beyond the sea, behind a waterfall in a forgotten forest I'll finally find a place to have a wank in peace Believe Believe Believe That all the flirts that you didn't quite score Will come back and give you one chance more Your sexual dreams will all come to pass Because thankfully you're an unimaginative ass And all your enemies will get their comeuppance Just as you're achieving penetration of the tuppence And that couple with a happy, sickly smile Will have a mishap during a sixty-nine I Believe Believe And that's why they won't publish a self-help book by me

We're living in glorious times Don't let anyone tell you otherwise If you know your history you'll find the past is a foreign country And one in which you were much more likely to die violently The grass beneath our feet contains The Somme and Waterloo Gettysburg and Stalingrad, and Auschwitz too But now death falls from the sky like snowdrops Because of new weapons of war It'll land on us without pain While we're playing violent video games Or watching violent porn We're living in a glorious age Believe everything that your overlords say I'd love to be a prophet shouting angry poetry About the evils of our society But being a mindless corporate zombie isn't bad as some people say Nestle may break the law Amazon does shaft the poor BP spills into the oceans McDonald's kills our animal cousins But isn't tweeting about it great We're living in a glorious age Ignore everything environmentalists say They say the media distracts us with meaningless tripe Like Kanye West and his messy love life But it's anything but trivial when you think about it Just look at how hard he tries To re-enter an arse that's the size Of a slave ship We're living in glorious times We're living in glorious times We're living in glorious times We're living in glorious times

When young it's normal to be painfully shy Stuck home alone on a Saturday night All you are's a hungry heart Meanwhile life's a party for your cooler counterparts Wild times are waiting for you out there Life won't be so tame forever I swear The highlight of your entire life Will be the night you realise You realise You realise Parties are really shit When you think about it Unless you like puke and noise pollution And finding your drink has a used cigarette in it You end up dancing like a twat Till you pass out on the mat And someone nicks your watch And steps on your crotch And you wake up looking just like a confused cat Sometimes love seems a distant dream You can't wait to make some memories Yearning for that strobe-lit kiss When everything becomes a burning mist When you succeed You'll probably see Dance-floors are the seventh circle of Hell You'll learn this well A hive of perves With billions of germs And that doesn't even mention the smell What a stupid place to find love? Or someone good enough You'll never find the one being pinched in the bum The best you can hope for is to be ****ed off The night you find true love Probably won't be great but it should be good enough You'll find someone who you can just about tolerate With their own unique range Of annoyingly quirky traits And you'll repress each other in a socially appropriate way For much of your lives together You'll fantasise about not being together You'll become a pair of nonentities Shorn of sexual identity One day you'll suddenly Find it's your tenth anniversary And you'll remember a truth that's older than the sea Parties really are the worst Things on the Earth You'll see young people dance Think they don't have a chance But somehow some of them just about make it work That people ever hook up this way Is actually great It goes to show us That people are tough They somehow survive The most horrible climes And eventually succeed At spreading their seed It bodes well for the future of the human race The human race Is here to stay The human race Is here to stay

Sometimes I feel I'm gonna cry How does one survive these times? When originality is a mortal sin And creativity's career-threatening Someday I might get a break And achieve fortune and fame I'd be an insufferable sex pest Who evades taxes In other words I won't change a bit Sometimes a song Sometimes a song Can empty your mind In a positive way And make the whole world Drift away Pop when it's done right Pop when it's done right Is transcendentally trite Is transcendentally trite Music's meant to drive us mental But don't go calling us sentimental Sentimental means exaggerated feeling And you can't exaggerate this feeling now It's time to embrace All the clichés And empty your mind Lay down to the void Get up and dance And ignore the killjoys The world's full of killjoys The world's full of killjoys So drown them out with some noise So drown them out with some noise