I can be endlessly kind and infinitely true
Writing down the things I love about you
I can kiss you like you've never been kissed
And help you tick off everything on your sexual bucket list

I can shovel attention you like coal onto a hearth
And frame a picture of us shaped like a heart
Massage your feet when you've had a bad day
And get on my knees for all the chores that you hate

But all we've really done so far is flirt
There's one thing you don't know about me
I'm really really bad
Really really bad
Really really really really bad
At talking dirty

I'll be like I'm gonna tear your tights off with my teeth
My teeth are strong 'cause I use Oral B you see
I recommend you start using the same products as me
It'll greatly improve your dental hygiene

And I'm gonna make our nights of passion last long
By lecturing you for hours 'bout why Radiohead are great
And I know just how to drive you wild with my tongue
By asking you whether you've put on weight

I wanna spend each moment with you from dawn till dark
And every single day we'll go strolling in the park
Hand-in-hand we'll sit on a bench and feed the pigeons
And I'll tell you you have a face that could launch a religion

We'll attempt everything from a doggy to a sixty-nine
Until we've run out of sexual positions to try
Then we'll try some really strange
Really really strange
Really really really really strange
Roleplays

How 'bout we go for the Texas Cowboy roleplay
That's when I ride you like a rodeo horse
I suddenly shout out your best friend's name
Then try to hold on like a buckin' bronco

And for you I'll try
Really really try
Really really really really try
To talk dirty like a normal guy

I'll be like I'm gonna make you awfully wet tonight
And I'm not talking 'bout some water balloon fight
We're gonna stand outside for hours in the rain
Watching a non-professional football game
Which is more exciting than the sex we've had anyway