Your silent face is telling me it's time to consciously uncouple
Pretty soon you'll be dressing for dates and shaving your crotch to stubble
From your lips I've tasted Heaven and Hell
And I'm used to your textures and smells
So let's be ethical breaker-uppers
And have one last sexual supper

A first date's like a job interview a last is like a leaving party
With sex in all its unhygienic, embarrassing beauty
Like how unhooking a bra
Is a tiresome vibe-killer
And don't get me started on
How condoms affect hard-ons
And the ridiculous flavours of condoms
And when you ask "what's this one?"
And I say, I haven't got one on
And you say you thought it was cheese and onion

Just like life sex is often full of toil and graft
And just like life, sex is usually over much too fast
Then sometimes the experience drags
Like one of Sting's three-hour tantric shags
And you can't help glancing at the clock
The only solution is to rock

I sense down below that you're probably starting to burn
So I'll speed up the journey to the point of no return
And since we're having a blast
Why not let me spank your ass
It'll assuage your guilt about being straight, white and middle-class

One night I might get drunk and call and ask to come over
Like some kind of involuntary celibate Casanova
There's no denying we've had some bliss
So here's to one more kiss
It'll give me incentive to one day find the clitoris

I think we've found desire always dies when it tries to be love
So let's forget for now about the fighting and painful stuff
We've raked over so much dirt
And the breakup'll continue to hurt
I'll try not to give you a facial as I squirt

Thanks for that it fixed my heart like a temporary glue gun
Who knows how long it'll be till either of us gets some
This'll occupy pride of place in my memory banks
Until the day God willing, I become a dirty old man

What do you know, we've stayed awake and talked the whole night through
God knows I'll keep stubbing my toes on memories of you
I'm pleased to say it wasn't weird or shit or unnecessarily long
In other words I'm saying, it wasn't like this song