When young it's normal to be painfully shy
Stuck home alone on a Saturday night
All you are's a hungry heart
Meanwhile life's a party for your cooler counterparts

Wild times are waiting for you out there
Life won't be so tame forever I swear
The highlight of your entire life
Will be the night you realise
You realise
You realise

Parties are really shit
When you think about it
Unless you like puke and noise pollution
And finding your drink has a used cigarette in it

You end up dancing like a twat
Till you pass out on the mat
And someone nicks your watch
And steps on your crotch
And you wake up looking just like a confused cat

Sometimes love seems a distant dream
You can't wait to make some memories
Yearning for that strobe-lit kiss
When everything becomes a burning mist
When you succeed
You'll probably see

Dance-floors are the seventh circle of Hell
You'll learn this well
A hive of perves
With billions of germs
And that doesn't even mention the smell

What a stupid place to find love?
Or someone good enough
You'll never find the one being pinched in the bum
The best you can hope for is to be ****ed off

The night you find true love
Probably won't be great but it should be good enough
You'll find someone who you can just about tolerate
With their own unique range
Of annoyingly quirky traits
And you'll repress each other in a socially appropriate way

For much of your lives together
You'll fantasise about not being together
You'll become a pair of nonentities
Shorn of sexual identity
One day you'll suddenly
Find it's your tenth anniversary
And you'll remember a truth that's older than the sea

Parties really are the worst
Things on the Earth
You'll see young people dance
Think they don't have a chance
But somehow some of them just about make it work

That people ever hook up this way
Is actually great
It goes to show us
That people are tough
They somehow survive
The most horrible climes
And eventually succeed
At spreading their seed
It bodes well for the future of the human race
The human race
Is here to stay
The human race
Is here to stay